Don't Forget Me

One of my favorite songs by my favorite band and this version is so beautiful. Every time I go home I pull out this DVD and watch it in the dark by myself, its the perfect way to wind down. The lyrics are below, read them, they are beautiful.

I'm an ocean in your bedroom
Make you feel warm
Make you wanna re-assume
Now we know it all for sure

I'm a dance hall dirty breakbeat
Make the snow fall up from underneath your feet
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

I'm a meth lab first rehab
Take it all off
And step inside the running cab
There's a love that knows the way

I'm the rainbow in your jail cell
All the memories of everything you've ever smelled
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

(Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend)
Ooooh...
Don't forget me I can't hide it
Come again get me excited

I'm an inbred and a pothead
Two legs that you spread
Inside the tool shed
Now we know it all for sure

I could show you
To the free field overcome and more will always be revealed
Not alone I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

(Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend)
Oooh...
Don't forget me I can't hide it
Come again make me excited

Ooooh...
(Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend)
Don't forget me I can't hide it
There's a match now let me light it

I'm the bloodstain
On your shirt sleeve
Coming down and more are coming to believe
Now we know it all for sure

Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

I'll be there and tell me when you want to go
Come on then and tell me when you want to go
More will be revealed my friend

Louis Vuitton Fall/Winter 2010

I love Louis Vuitton's Fall/Winter line so much! The skirts rock my socks, even the accessories are bomb! I normally try to stay away from Louis because of its hood cult following but you can't help but love this ish! I'm still not going to get a monogrammed bag tho.

The Alternate Yogi Bear Ending from Beth Schacter on Vimeo.


I really love this song it stirs up so much emotion for me, I don't even know why lol. I'm blaming the song for making me kinda tear up cause crying over cartoon bears is just ridiculous! (I stole this from www.iamdonald.com check it out!)

Embrace the Fall

Beyonce fell and we all still love her!

So I know I haven't wrote (or written?) anything in forever but I'm trying to graduate and these papers don't write themselves! Anyway I just wrote some ish on twitter that sounded real good. Why do I always write the best stuff when I am supposed to be writing papers? Any way doh *Kat Sacks Voice* here it goes!

Life is a slippery slope, it only takes one misstep, one little trip on a pebble and you are no longer climbing up but rapidly sliding down. But maybe what is at the top is an illusion, maybe the oasis is really at the bottom. I'm hoping that this misstep is leading me to my oasis and not to the bitter cold that is the night desert.

..and then my friend told me that I sound real depressed lol but I assure you my words are more emo than I really am and I often go into short phases of dramaticalness (yes its a word) that I quickly hop out of, sometimes with assistance.

But honestly sometimes I feel like I am working so hard to better myself to be strong and independent and to establish my self worth and all that jazz, but what if all this work that I'm putting in is only leading me to false happiness, what if what I really need to do is just let go of all the bullshit, lay it all out on the table, and reveal my weaknesses. Its something that I have always struggled with because it is difficult for me to let my guard completely down and it has been increasingly difficult with age. But I think being an adult means that you are able to show your faults and your weaknesses, to trip and fall down the mountain and be okay with it. Maybe thats when you find your true happiness, perhaps the joy is not at the top but it was waiting for you at the bottom all along.

And while I can say this here it is something that I am still struggling with, but I don't have time to deal with it today because I have to write a paper so I can graduate! (20days and counting!). However, I hope that one day soon I can embrace the fall and find my true joy...come fall with me :)

Uncharted Territory

I'm sure this is how I'll feel inside

Tomorrow for the first time ever in my life I will have a non Black/Dominican person do my hair. I am nervous as hell to have someone with straight, limp, shiny hair touch my beautifully kinky, strong as my African roots, mane. I am praying to Baby Jesus, God, Allah, Dios, Jehova, The Holy Spirt, the Universe and all of my ancestors that I don't come out of there looking like a hot ass mess! Why am I even venturing into the murky Caucasian abyss to get my hair done? Well because they are the only ones that I have found in Berkeley that do the Simply Smooth Brazilian Keratin Treatment with out breaking my bank (it is truly amazing and has kept my hair healthy and strong ask me about it!). Maybe some people don't understand my fears, everyone goes to cosmetology school right? Yeah, but they don't all go to the same school or learn the same things and since Black people are only about 12% of the population I don't think that many schools focus too much on the wonderful complexity that is black hair. Soo everyone wish me luck as I venture into the uncharted territory that is the white hair salon! an Update/review will come tomorrow...

*UPDATE* ummm apparently this particular white man cannot press hair and I am a little suspicious about the Keratin treatment too.....I won't be going back! If I need my hair done I will fly to Atlanta and have the Dominicans do it.

I Am Not An Individual

its all for them

Its been damn near forever since I've written a post, school and work has really been taking up A LOT of my time! But I am gonna try to do better....

This post was inspired by a discussion that I had in Prof. Ogutu's Urban Sociology class. We were talking about the difference between society in Africa and in other parts of the Global South ( Asia, Latin America, Middle East) and Western countries (Europe and America) and I realized that I am less American than I would like to think. In America the predominant (white) culture is very individualistic. At 18 you are a grown adult who can make your own decisions with consequences that only effect you. Americans pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and go out into the world making their own path based upon their wants and needs. Americans are individuals with individual successes and accomplishments.

I personally think that this is no way to live. In class my professor said something that really struck me, he said, "Americans live as individuals Africans are not individuals we are family and community units." When I do something or don't do something I don't only think about the consequences that will effect me but my family and community as well. I don't think that I have ever made a big decision with out consulting my mom or aunt, and I ask them about many of the little decisions too. I would never ever consider living somewhere for a long period of time if I didn't know anyone because I prefer to live in areas where I will be close to my family. My mom will always keep a room in the house for me until I get married and I would never, ever consider putting my parents in a nursing home. In every thing that I do and every decision that I make I consider my family and my community.

I was brought up to believe that everything that I do in the public eye reflects my family and my community. One bad apple ruins the whole cart and I will not be that bad apple. I believe that this prevalence of so called Global South culture is what makes people of color so resilient and loving. Making my community happy and my family happy makes me happy and I believe that it makes the world a better place.  I don't want to be a grown woman who makes all of her own decisions by her self, I want to be a strong family unit who relies on the knowledge of others and who considers everyone that may be affected by the decisions made.

How to Approach Men

This title may be deceiving. I have no idea how to approach men. I've just never had to, not that men are throwing themselves at me or anything, I just normally wait until someone I like tells me they like me too. While I do not in any way think that chivalry should be dead, I do think that sometimes when a female is interested in someone it can be beneficial to let them know. The main reason why I don't normally approach guys is because I don't want to be rejected, but in all fairness I am sure that many guys have this same fear of rejection but because most girls don't approach guys they just have to suck it up and deal with it.

But seriously I have no idea what to do, I mean you can't run the same kinda game on guys like they run on us. What am I supposed to do? Tap them on their shoulder and say boy I like yo jeans?? Ask them if they are angels cause they must have just fallen out of heaven?? And guys don't even take hints well, if you act friendly, flirt a little and give them complements then they think you're just nice and you like their shoes. You have to damn near throw yourself at them and be thirsty as hell for them to figure that shit out, or wait a couple of weeks/months for their brains to click together. But then if I don't say anything then they will never know that I am feeling them and I will miss out.

I don't know maybe I am underestimating them, maybe they don't get that you like them because they don't want to. Cause now that I really think about it most guys that I have been really feelin and flirting with and ish got the point within a couple of days. Ugh maybe the real point of this post is that I've been single for too long, and I'm happy with myself and all but I want a boo thang.....I know you aren't supposed to admit it, but I am secure enough with myself that I can say it out loud. I WANT A MAN and I mean that in the least thirsty-est way lol! ....phew! That felt good!

P.S. I have been hearing that my friends and fam are reading my blog and enjoying it! Thanx so much for the support! Love you all :)

What Really Grinds My Gears! Pt.1

You know what really grinds my gears!!......well there are a couple of things lol, here they go....

White people who don't recognize that they have white privilege and try to make us colored folk feel bad for calling them on their shit! Exhibit A . If you are white you have certain advantages that people of color (mainly Blacks and Latinos) do not have, it doesn't matter if you are a homeless white crackhead, you still have more going for you that your black counterpart, at least in societies eyes.  I am not faulting white people for having privileges or for taking advantage of them, cause honestly I would do the same. However, they need to recognize that they do exist and whenever possible do their best to alleviate the burden on others. If you don't know what I am talking about read books by Tim Wise, he is one conscious white man.


Black people who don't date other Black people, especially Black men. How are you not attracted to your own race?? that's backwards. Its ok if you don't marry a Black person, its ok if you've never really had the opportunity to date a black person, but don't tell me that you never would, or that they are not attractive to you. I don't care what anyone says, that's self hatred, Black is beautiful, try it out a few times.

Africans or Caribbeans who say they are not Black. You may not be African-American, but you are sure as hell black. Don't try to separate your self from a race of people just because they have been historically oppressed and negatively stereotyped. Our struggle has made us stronger and more resilient. When a white/Asian person sees you walking down the street they don't give two squirts of pee about what country you or your family came from, you are just black. On the same note it gets on my nerves when white people, who are trying to be all politically correct, call every Black person African-American. We are not all African-American...just call me Black, Thanks!....Oh and one last thing on nomenclature, it pisses me off when African-Americans get mad when I tell them I don't like to be called African-American, yes I am half African-American, but I am Cape Verdean too. Don't be mad at me because I have a country of origin that I can point to on the map, and a culture that is not like yours. I am not trying to make you feel lower than me or to discredit your heritage and culture, but I will not deny my heritage and the culture that I was raised in either. In short I'm Black, and if you look like me you are too!

Girls who say they are classy, when they are clearly not. I will not give examples as to not embarrass anyone, but if you are truly classy, chances are you don't have to say it, it shows.

That is all I can think of for now. This is just the first installment, I am sure that there will be more to come lol....What really grinds your gears??

Love

These thoughts just passed through my mind and I decided to write about it real quick...I think it was inspired by my Erykah Badu playlist on Pandora.

Love is a crazy thing, its like a drug. I've been lucky to be in love once in my (almost)  22 years, I was only 16 but that shit was real. Everything is amazing when you're in love. It didn't work out but while it lasted it was great and it has left a lasting impression on my heart. I've been pretty damn close to being in love one time since then, but I don't think I got all the way there, probably cause I wasn't completely rehabilitated from the first time, and neither was he.

Being in love is really great while its happening, and when its over it hurts like hell, probably the worst pain you've ever experienced in your life, but once your heart heals you can look back and see the wonderful scar that it has left behind, it reminds you of all the good times and happy moments and you are able to open your heart and let love back in once again.

I have a lovely scar on my heart that I will cherish forever and I am so happy that I am FINALLY able to open my heart once again. *deep breath*

HAIR!!!!

I am a hair chameleon! I love hair, short, long, weave, natural, permed whatever, good hair just looks so damn good!! Even though pretty much everyone else in my family has curly wash-n-go Latino/a style hair, I've always loved my thick tightly wound mane and how it could be transformed. Except, I hate my natural hair color, its a drab dull brown that is not quite 1b but not really 2 either....I almost always have a cellophane/color wash on it.

I've been watching YouTube videos about hair (mostly weave) since last night! Literally, I stayed up until like 3am watching it last night, then I woke up and got at it again I've been watching it ALL DAY(minus a 2hr gym break), until about 11:22pm!! I have always been intrigued with the millions of things you can do with hair, especially black hair, because that's what I have lol.

I've had my hair all kinda ways, weaved, short, permed, curled, purple, red, brown, black etc. currently I am rocking my own hair with a BKT (Brasilian Keratin Treatment) and a bob with bangs. I absolutely love it right now, its just so hard to keep up with all of this damn humidity in Atlanta and working out twice a day isn't really helping either. Yeah, that's right TWICE a day, I'm kicking it into high gear for the rest of the summer, which means back to no carbs :(. Anyway, I have been perm free since November 2009, weave free since May 2010 and with BKT since June 2010. I am kinda getting the weave itch back after watching all of these vids, but I promised myself that I would let my hair breathe and be free until Dec, when I can get that high quality Nija weave hook up (ain't nothing better!), so I am gonna stick to it. It should be much easier to maintain my hair in Cali.

I am about to go do my hair now its around 12am :/ because I am tired of looking like a crazy bush woman turned slave who just escaped from the plantation and has been living in the swamps for 3 months, its depressing. I am sure I will sweat it out tomorrow but at least I'll look good and feel good for a couple hours.

Play Your Role

Call me old fashioned but I have always believed in men and women playing different roles in the household. I don't think that women should revert back to being a 1950s housewife, but I don't have a problem with being a revamped modern day housewife, who is also the chief council for a big important company. I'll cook, shop and balance the check book, he'll pay the bills, fix shit and kill the bugs, we'll both clean and bring home the [turkey] bacon.

I don't think that I'll ever be the stay at home mom type, because I want to make my mark on the world through my job, but I will make my kids lunches, bake them cookies and make all of their birthday cakes and my husband can teach them how to play catch and swim. Things just run smoother when people know their roles and perform them well; however, I have no problem with guest appearances.

He can wear the pants and the Prada shoes, I'll wear the pencil skirt and the Louboutins.....

EVERYTHING happens for a reason

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, its the only reason why I can walk around with a smile on my face. While nothing completely horrible has happened in my life there have been plenty of times where I think "Why is this happening, why me?" I am not a super religious person but I truly believe that God has a plan for everyone, nothing comes our way that we cannot handle, no one comes into our life that we do not need. Difficult situations teach us lessons, make us stronger and allow us to appreciate the good times. People come into our lives to help us along the way, give us strength, allow us to see the faults in ourselves or to help them with faults of their own. The purpose is not always revealed, but sometimes if you look deep within yourself and find the voice of God it will be revealed. Today, one of those reasons was revealed to me and it brought such joy to my life. It reminded me that no matter what I'm going through there is a purpose and it is for the best, I will come out a better person.

I also realized that I have some really great people in my life. People that don't let me give up or back down, people that don't let me accept anything but greatness, people that tell me the truth all the time, people that truly care for me, and I truly care for them. Basically, I have the best friends ever and I love them to death!! My Besties, my SPC gang, my pocketbook chicks, my Bay boys and my ATLiens, you are all the siblings that I never had, I am so glad you were brought into my life and I love you lots!

The opposite of the past, the time after the present

Since my time in undergrad is coming to an end I've been thinking a lot about the future. For one I'm moving to Atlanta, and its my decision. If you had told me that 7 years ago I would have laughed in your face and called you a crazy person. At that point in my life I just knew that I would end up in my beloved Cali and stay there for my entire life. But so much has happened since then and the experiences that I've had over these past 7 years have changed me almost completely; and I think that they have changed me for the better.

One thing that hasn't changed so much is my need to be in control and to have a clear view of the future. Right now I feel so much in the dark. Ever since I accomplished my first big goal, going to UC Berkeley, I have felt as though my future is undetermined. To some that feeling is a good one, but for me its scary and it has taken me about four years to feel semi-okay about it. I feel like I no longer have sole control of my future and that there are equal chances that things will go the way I would like them to or in a completely different direction. And the bad part is that I know that I have relinquished some of my power to others, they did not take it from me I gave it away. Normally this is not something that I would do but I know that in order to move on to the next step it is necessary, as my friend Ashly said (she has a blog too http://lovebeasle.blogspot.com/ check it out), "A BA degree means head cook at Taco Bell"

Now my future depends on whether or not I am worthy of admission, whether I am the right fit for them, whether I am what they feel they need. Unfortunately, I am not the only one vying for admission, there are others who have different qualities than I do...and probably a better GPA. Even though I know I am a damn good candidate the competition makes me a tad nervous, and by a tad I mean a lot. I know that its not the end of the world if I don't get my top choice, but I really, really want it. I am sure that I will get admitted somewhere and eventually I will have my JD, and if things don't work out the way I want them to, then it was never meant to be in the first place. I probably should just calm down and go with the flow, I mean I'm not even really ready for the next step,  I don't even have my BA yet! I just can't help but to think of how things could be if everything just went my way.....

So for now I am trying my darndest to just go with the flow, work hard and put my best foot forward. I am looking into other schools and trying to keep an open mind. Whatever my future holds I will accept and embrace it. As corny as it sounds, life is what you make it, and I will make it wonderful!

[im]PERFECT

I would like to think I'm perfect, or pretty damn close, but we all have vices, bad habits etc. here are just a few of mine.

sometimes I can be....

Materialistic
I get pure joy from the things I buy, like seriously happy. When I'm sad all I need to do is go on a shopping trip and it picks my mood right back up. Every time I go to the store I always find something that I "need", and when I can't get it I'm disappointed. Since I have no job this summer, this is becoming a problem. I wouldn't say that I put material wants and needs over other things, but if I don't reign it in soon I might be living beyond my means and on some Confessions of a Shopaholic type ish. But nice stuff just looks so damn good!!!

Jealous
This is actually a new vice of mine. I was never the jealous type, I am usually secure with myself and I have never really been envious of others, but recently the green eyed monster has been paying me a visit. I think that it has more to do with the fact that I'm selfish and I don't like to share...even if its not really mine. I just don't like the feeling that someone else has taken my place, or when someone else has what I want. Its not a psycho crazy type of jealously and I usually keep it to myself and don't act on it, but it causes my to alter my actions and hide my emotions, which leads me to the next one.

Prideful
When I am feeling a certain way, or when someone hurts my feelings I don't like to show it, it makes me feel weak and pitiful. I especially HATE crying in front of people, mainly because I don't want them to know how much they hurt me, and if I'm jealous I will rarely show it. I like people to only see the strong, good, happy side of me. Sometimes this can prove to be detrimental and cause even more complications..but I'm working on it.

Spoiled
I like for things to happen when and how I want it. If it doesn't go my way I get a little pissy. When I want something I will keep on persisting until I get it, I get locked on it and nothing will make me happy until I get exactly what was promised, or better (this is the GOLDEN RULE OF ANIE lol). Its because I'm an only child, and also the reason why I will have at least two children. Sometimes I just need to suck it up and get over it but the little girl inside me is having a temper tantrum and its hard to ignore her.

I know that I have more issues than what was listed but these were just what came to mind. I'm working on improving myself and the first step is admitting my flaws, so here's to a better me!

What's Your Flavor?

Normally I like my men like I like my coffee, dark, strong and hot! I love me some dark chocolate! But as of late I've been leaving the dark side and venturing into the light, and it baffles me. I know that its not the outside that matters, its the inside, but if I don't like your outside I usually don't care about the inside too much... romantically at least.

 I just never used to be a light skinned pretty boy type of girl, it actually kinda turned me off a little, they just think they are so cute and shit. I always wanted a nappy headed, dark, straight out of Africa man that was a little rough around the edges, not pretty at all. So why are these light skinned pretty boys catching my eye??

Maybe Brittany and TJ are rubbing off on me, cause Lord knows they love them some light skinned pretty boys. Or maybe I'm opening my eyes and seeing people for more than the color of their skin, because sexy comes in all colors. So I am now learning to appreciate sexiness in all of its flavors: chocolate, espresso, butterscotch, caramel, toffee, molasses.....I'm lovin it all!

Who Dat?...I Want You....Why Don't You Love Me?

I am LOVING these videos!

J.Cole- Who Dat


If you haven't already get the mixtapes (The Warm Up and The Come Up) at www.datpiff.com, and be sure to pick up the album when it drops, sometime in Feb I think.

Theophilus London- I Want You

This video makes me want to buy a wig and do dirty things (lol). 
Get the mixtapes (Jam, This Charming Mixtape and I Want You) at datpiff.com


Beyoncé- Why Don't You Love Me

Love this song and the old school vibe in video works so well, when does her new ish come out??

Inspiration/Motivation

Say what you will about my Cape Verdean sister Amber Rose, but you can't deny that her body is BANGIN!! So she is serving as my inspiration/motivation this summer to get it right, get it right, get it tight! Her picture is the background on my phone and my computer, taped next to my bathroom mirror and now on this blog.

I know that her boobs may be fake and she may have had some help but a girl can dream right?? If I could get a body like hers I would be so happy, not that I am not ok with my body now, but there is room for improvement and I would be much happier if I could slim some things down and tone some things up. I know that I will never have an ass like hers but if I could get those abs and those legs!!!( I might have to get a buzz cut like hers tho cause sweating out my hair 5 days a week is not the business.)

So she will be my inspiration/motivation to exercise and to eat right. I have always had the desire to get fit a be a healthier me, and this summer I will do it!! So wish me luck and join me if you wish.

Behind Every Great Woman, Is a Great Man (Or Three)

In honor of the 100th Father's Day I am honoring all of my fathers...

João José Gomes

My maternal grandfather has always been an important person in my life. Even though I never met him I have strived my whole life to make him proud and to make sure that his legacy lives on through me. He came to this country in 1957 in order to give his family a better chance at life, he was always striving to do better and always told his children to be the very best that they could be, and the man was fly! He would never, ever leave the house with even a hair out of place, and even when he died he went out classy; lying on a chaise lounge in a tuxedo. From him, I learned to always do my best and look amazing while doing it.

Benjamin Webster Hazard

My dad and I have always been close, no matter what, I know my daddy has my back. My dad is a very talented artist and a very creative person who has always worked very hard to achieve his dreams, you should Google him. He is also a very kind an loving person and never hesitates to give people a second chance. Oh, and he's a Golden Bear like me! From him, I learned to think outside the box and to work hard to achieve my goals.

James Gregory Moore

My Daddy Jim is such a wonderful man. When he married my mom when I was 6 he took me in as his own. He never tired to take my father's place, but was always there to supply me with what I needed. I love him as much as I love my biological father. he is truly a strong black man, in every sense of the word. He is also probably one of the only people that can keep my mom in check and clam her down, and I think God for that, lol. From him, I learned patience and to be Black and proud.

There are many other important men in my life but these three are by far the most important and the most inspirational. Without them I would be nothing, and today I celebrate them. Make sure you give your fathers and all of the important men in your life a great big hug today, cause behind every great, strong powerful, fabulous woman, is a great man (or three). HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Why I love TJ

Today is my fave Nija girl's B-day, so I will list a few of the reasons why I love her

1. She will always gossip with me

2. She doesn't let me do (or wear) stupid shit

3. She always listens to me when I say "I'm never talking to him again!" no matter how many times I've said it

4. She doesn't say "I told you so" when I do talk to him again

5. She introduced me to her sister who does bomb ass weaves for the low low

6. She is a little bougie like me lol

7. She always looks fly

8. She is beautiful inside and out

Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

I recently just faced one of my greatest fears, expressing my emotions. I FINALLY told someone close to me how I really feel, what is really in my heart. I didn't really do it out of bravery, more of anger, but at least I did it. And you know what? it felt good, I'm still alive, we're still friends, there are no hard feelings and now I have a more clear view of the situation. Facing my fears didn't make everything perfect and I am still not completely over my fear of expression, but I do think it helped me to grow and I was able to get something off of my chest that I had been holding in for oh so long. It was truly liberating. Now to work on my fear of spiders.....